Why Does My Anger Feel Out of Control?

“I hate my anger.”

This is something I hear from many of the people I work with.

They often aren't coming to counselling because they don't care about the people around them. In fact, it's often the opposite. They are upset because their anger is affecting their partner, children, family or the people they love.

They may say things like:

“I don't want people to be frightened of me.”

“I don't know why I get so angry.”

“Once I start, I can't seem to stop.”

“I regret it afterwards.”

“I feel like my anger takes over.”

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be wondering why your anger feels so difficult to control.

Why can anger feel like it takes over?

Anger is a normal human emotion. Everyone feels angry sometimes.

The difficulty can come when anger becomes so intense that it feels as though there is no space between feeling angry and reacting to it.

You might notice your heart beating faster, your body becoming tense, your thoughts speeding up or your voice becoming louder. You may feel an overwhelming urge to shout, argue, leave the situation or make yourself heard.

When you're at the peak of anger, it can feel incredibly difficult to step back and think about what you want to do next.

This doesn't mean that you are a bad person.

It means there may be a pattern that needs understanding.

What is underneath the anger?

Sometimes anger is the emotion we notice first, but there can be other feelings underneath it.

For some people, anger can be connected with:

• stress and feeling overwhelmed

• anxiety

• feeling unheard or misunderstood

• frustration

• relationship difficulties

• grief or loss

• shame or guilt

• feeling rejected

• low self-esteem

• work pressures

• feeling out of control

• difficulty expressing other emotions

This doesn't mean that every angry reaction has a hidden emotion underneath it. Everyone's experience is different.

But understanding what is happening for you before, during and after anger can be an important part of learning to manage it.

How do I know when my anger is building?

One of the things we can explore in counselling is what happens before you reach the point where your anger feels uncontrollable.

There may be warning signs that you haven't noticed before.

Perhaps you start:

• clenching your jaw

• feeling hot or tense

• speaking more quickly

• becoming increasingly frustrated

• replaying something someone has said

• thinking “they don't care” or “they never listen”

• feeling the need to prove your point

• becoming unable to let something go

Recognising these early signs can create something really important:

a moment of choice.

Instead of waiting until your anger reaches its peak, you can begin to recognise that it is building and take steps to regain control.

What can I do when I feel my anger rising?

There isn't one strategy that works for everyone.

Some people benefit from stepping away from a situation before their anger reaches its peak. Others find breathing techniques, grounding or mindfulness helpful.

Mindfulness can be particularly useful because it encourages you to notice what is happening in your body and mind without immediately reacting to it.

The aim isn't to pretend you're not angry.

It's to create enough space to ask:

“What do I want to do with this anger?”

rather than feeling that the anger has already decided for you.

What if I feel guilty about my anger?

Many of the people I work with feel a huge amount of guilt after losing their temper.

They may worry about what their partner thinks of them or feel ashamed about something they've said or done.

You can take responsibility for the impact of your behaviour while also trying to understand what is driving the pattern.

Counselling isn't about telling you that you shouldn't feel angry.

It's about helping you understand your anger, recognise your triggers and develop more control over how you respond.

You are not your anger

One of the most important things I want people to know is this:

You are not your anger.

Having problems with anger doesn't mean that you're a horrible, aggressive or uncaring person.

I don't see you as a big, scary or aggressive person. I see the incredible person underneath the anger.

I believe there is often a reason why someone has reached the point where their anger feels difficult to control, and counselling can provide a safe, non-judgemental space to explore that.

How can anger management counselling help?

In counselling, we can work together to understand:

• what triggers your anger

• what happens in your body when anger starts building

• the thoughts that appear when you're angry

• patterns in your relationships

• what happens at the peak of your anger

• what you experience afterwards

• strategies that may help you regain control

• what you would like your relationships to look like instead

The goal isn't to make you never feel angry.

It's about helping you feel more in control of what you do with that anger.

You don't have to keep feeling like your anger controls you

If you regularly find yourself thinking “I hate my anger”, “I don't want to be like this” or “I don't want my family to be frightened of me”, you don't have to work it all out on your own.

Talking to someone doesn't mean that you're admitting you're a bad person.

It can be the first step towards understanding what's happening and finding a different way forward.

Anger Management Counselling in Prudhoe & Online

I offer confidential, non-judgemental anger management and men's mental health counselling in Prudhoe, Northumberland and online throughout the UK.

If you're unsure whether counselling is right for you, I offer a free 15-minute consultation where you can talk briefly about what's happening and ask any questions before deciding whether to book.

You don't have to wait until your anger reaches breaking point to ask for help.